Almost Midnight's Rant

I really need to talk, to express myself, to scream myself.

And I feel fucking lonely right now, I don't even know where to start, I'm confusing reality and fake perception and I fucking know it's Borderline knocking on my mind's door. I didn't ask to be the sad girl, to be the mad girl and I don't know why I keep having this issues running around my head. I'll loose my dignity to the disorder that oppresses me. I don't know where to start there's a long long story of crazyness going on.
There had been a time where I was very antisocial and lonely and yet I would feel at ease with myself, alone in my room with my books and my music I was satisfied I was missing something but I wasn't suffering. I don't wanna go back to that world where I was a lonely girl living in a fantastic reality made of fake dreams. I fucking wanna love and be among people. But I need it to be healthy. No more prooves please, just try to be you and I'll try to be me.
Destructive behaviour is taking me over. I want to eat like I'm never full, I want to drink to forget myself, I want to smoke to forget about eating and drinking. I don't feel like cutting, yet, I already have to many scars...to many people is wondering where I got them.
Can't it be simple for a while?
Can I breath for a while?
I can't find answers...and you're not trying to answer my questions.
Every day is like a fucking proof I am worth it, I swear I have dignity but I am plain sad and I lack courage to go on, one day I smile one day I cry, all because of you my bipolar love. Wallahi I'll never leave you but I hope you'll understand I am unstable too, I need you to stay strong for me like I am staying strong for you. Don't test me anymore, you know that I am with you, I am just asking to stop testing my love. I adore for all that you are, I don't care if you're mad, you're my hero baby, you're my true love...the only one I could ever love.
One day you fly me to the Moon, one day you drag me to hell, than you tell me you're sorry and you missed me, you missed my hug, my kiss. Honey we are made for each other...it's only a challenge with life.