Me

I have been working really hard these two weeks, but I managed to gain a promotion so that I'll be able to teach other people about how to work like me. It's good to work in a place where you go on because you know what to do and not because someone made you.
It's a great enviroment, and we are only very connected with the humanitarian causes we represent. It's a great way to help and spread the word about refugees causes.

My relationship with my love is growing stronger and stronger. I am very blessed.
It's good to have someone so strong, inspiring and good by side, he really heals me with his words (as I was writing this he called me saying that he was doing his salat* thanking God for our love, that's amazing, and cute), he enjoys my feminism and loves the fact that I am growing up as a conscious woman, for the first time in my life I know what it means to be loved. It's an empowering, overwhelming feeling. It's pure bliss.

*For those who don't know, salat is the Muslim prayer (five times a day).

Happiness is:

Seeing you smiling,

us laughing hard after hard times

yelling "Aomde, we made it".

My hero.

Habibi made it.
Habibi is so strong.
Habibi (which means my love), my boyfriend, won against all the bad things that were done to him.
Yes.
Wow.
Al-hamdu lillah.
It's so good to smile and laugh and be relieved in each other arms knowing that God stood by our side.
That center didn't take away is dignity, he's a great man and I am the great woman behind him.
I've got no words to describe this joy.
I just believe that my renewed faith is giving me so much strenght and true courage.
I am not the lawyer of lost causes anymore, I am speeding car on the road to spread my word.
The road to justice,
the road to human rights.
Evil, you can't win.
Remember this next time, you ugly-hearted people from V.G.

From Depression To Anger

I witnessed an other racist stance from my ex-co-workers.
Again, against a Muslim person I am close to.
I used to cry to let the stress go and react but I am so worried and desperate I don't manage to cry even though my heart cries non-stop since Monday. I am driven by anger, and my spirit of revenge is raising.
My body is full of energy and wills to move, I walk miles everyday to spread the word of refugees causes and my mind is focused on helping them.
But my heart cries, because while the common people is willing to help us, people on power is oppressing my Muslim people, my Muslim refugees.
Gaza. Kabul. Urfa. Baghdad. Moghadiscio. All this cities already bear so much pain, why do they have to be treated as inferiors in here? Why do our refugees centers leave the Muslim refugees alone?
And why are they voiceless? Why am I voiceless?
My new job saves them at home, but here?
Who'll save them?

I wish I could find a way to cry but the fear of breakdown is huge. I wish my renewed faith will get me through.
The crimes I witness are playing tricks on my mind, revenge runs in my vains but scary thoghts run in my head.

A Prayer

God,

Allah,

I have been the worst believer,

but you gave an other chance,

so please,

save the happy ending.

I need that to carry on,

with the mission I'm on,

You provided me this happiness,

I know You won't take my joy away.

Please let the solution come,

I know You won't leave us,

for You know we'll always be thankful.

Please,

You're great,

Allahu akbar,

don't let those evil ones do their evil plot against us.

Please.

I'll be right there for my mission.

But I need this life to keep it.

I know You'll be there for us.

Lyrics Time

Evil, don't you test me

Evil, you won't win

(Erykah Badu - Penintetiary Philosophy)

Anniversary

Six months ago, the best love story ever started.
I'm so grateful he's still here by my side, fighting to create our own personal corner on Earth.
This love was maktub - written - from above.
The very moment I first saw his beautiful eyes I knew he was mine, and he knew the same with my eyes.
I'm so thankful for this guy who's so strong and patient.
Al hamdu lillah ana 'endi habibi.
(Thank God I have my beloved one).
He has the power to make me better.
My hero.
My warrior.
My angel.
I want then of thousand of millions and millions and millions of years with him.
I want to have his children.
I want to fill his life with love like he does to me.
When I hug him I feel like the sweetest things on Earth are mine.
And when I kiss him I feel heavenly.
Ayo. sings:
"I never felt so deep in love,
I never been so close to God".
That's how I feel.
My faith in God is stronger,
because such an amazing love must have been created from Him.

I blame it on the nuns for this troubled mind I have. But now I am recovering. Thanks to my love.

20 years sinking slowly sings my beloved Emilie,
that's all my soul had to bear,
since I entered that elementary school my soul started to decay,
I've opened the windows to how the world goes,
nobody cares if you suffer.
I can't forget that big list of "sins",
from watching tv, to see someone kissing in the streets,
passing through collecting stickers.
We were demons in their eyes,
and there my o.c.d. started,
I felt like I was cursed. I felt like I was already damned.
I was with Satan they said, because I liked to be alone, because I had dreams outside of a kitchen and a church.
Because I preferred to write my scary thoughts, istead of play the "Days of the week game",
because I invented stories of solitude and creepy enviroments I was the witch.
I am a sinner.
I was 7 and already a sinner.
Sinner because I have a fucking aching heart, and I am fucking sensitive.
Sinner because I was raised a feminist.
Sinner because I am empowered.
I am still waiting for the darkness to come and make me blind because I watched "Beverly Hills 90210".
And I am still waiting for the devil to tell me that I am him.
Tuth is I am still waiting for Jesus to tell me He's Muslim and I am right.
There's that song from Alanis who says:
"I never forgot it, confusing as it was
No fun with no guilt feelings
The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priests
I'll see you next Sunday"
Yeah being on Church was the only salvation for us, who were sinners.
Fun was sin.
Laughter was sin
I had lon, long hair...my sin? Vanity
Yes, 1990 like Jane Eyre.
I'm lucky they didn't get me bald.
The fact that I had a lot colorful pencil meant that I was greedy.
That fact that my parents provided me a lot of food for lunch break meant that I was spoiled.
(They always walked with broken shoes to provide our food, even now).
Nuns told me I was too much considered a princess by them.
That was greed.
The fact that I dreamt of helping people without being a nun made me the least humble people ever.
The fact that they couldn't brainwash me was a proof I had Satan on my shoulder.

Yes, I am probably troubled for this.
I volunteered at a Christian center and I have seen it all again.
I worked, when I was already closer to Islam, in a refugees center led by Christian and I have see un-educated idiots playing with other people's lives.
Mocking their culture,
confusing my innate modesty with submission.

You know what my revenge is?
Seeing my love, my Muslim Palestinian love, walking, running, playing soccer after they said his leg coudn't walk anymore.
That's all that what fills my heart.
Habibi is so strong, my boyfriend is my undestructible hero,
that's why he's bringing me faith, courage and wisdom again.
When I says he loves Jesus because Muhammad (pbuh) thaught him to, and Jesus is not the bad guy nuns and priests told me about.
That's why I'll say
أشهد أن لا إله إلا الله وأشهد أن محمد رسول الله

Love 2

For the first time I held you in my arms while you're were sleeping, even though you said you were pretending to, you looked like an angel, handsome and sweet.
The innocence of that moment was so perfect, God bless this moment.

I don't ask a lot of thing for this new year, just have my family, dog and you forever. Healthy and happy.

Bahabbak ya habibi.
Wa shukran, inta hadiah min Allah.